I have come to realize that if I take a yogurt at night and have a bowl of cheerios in the morning, a deuce will inevitably follow within 5-10 minutes of finishing the bowl of cereal. Without the cheerios, I can store the very sludge that wants so desperately to come out for hours. Therefore, life is so much better when I have the time and inclination to eat a bowl of cheerios in the morning.
This particular morning, the cheerios induced deuce allowed me to flawlessly relinquish 1.4 pounds of excrement. At the sight of it, I thought I had dropped off two pounds. It must have not been a dense dump, becuase it created a mound that pierced the sky. In fact, I was in danger of leaving such an architectural wonder that had I released any more building blocks the deuce tower would have approached my cement factory.
---Deuces Wild
Showing posts with label Daily Diet and Deuce Effects during Activia Experiment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daily Diet and Deuce Effects during Activia Experiment. Show all posts
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Monday, December 8, 2008
The Missing Days
I should say that for the past month and a half I have stayed exclusively with the dannon activia yogurt. The days of switching back and forth between yogurt, nothing, and align gi caused so many troubles it wasn't worth it. While there are few food more vile after a night of heavy drinking, there are few activities more vile than uncontrollable diarrhea. While this past month and a half have been mainly uneventful, there were some concerning incidents. Unfortunately, I do not have the details to pin down the exact root of the problem.
But there was a binge week that created its own nightmares. There were three straight days of three-deuce extravaganzas. Having been there, done that at this point, I wasn't too excited or concerned. But following these festivals of deuce, was a long weekend of alcohol and greasy food. The Friday night began with a mix of dark beers and a half-pint of Pabst blue ribbon. The following morning began my first all-day drinking fiesta in years. College football started at noon, and so did the drinking. College football continued until midnight, and so did the drinking. Pro football started Sunday at 10 am and so did the massive headache and wet pudding craps. In between this time was fried food, cheesy food, and general greasiness. Oh, and I can't forget the college football pause for Indian food. Lots and lots of spicy Indian food was inhaled in a drunken rage.
Now that I had started indulging, I was on a roll. The next few days continued with french fries, hamburgers, nachos, cake, pie and other fatty foods. Then came the return of the Bluddeanous. It started with just a touch of red within the mounds of brown. Nothing to be concerned about as this has occurred before. Soon enough, however, came rivers of blood. Not just a drop or two, it appeared as if the toilet was in the ER. This occurred for a few days and got to the point where I would crap more blood than...well.... crap. Not good. Not good at all. But having just written the post about my anal suppository experience, I was well-refreshed in what would happen if I went to the doctor with my bloody secret. So I kept it to myself (and the toilet bowl of course) and prayed that I would heal on my own. I should mention that I also saw an ER episode where a woman died bleeding out of her butt. There are some embarrassing ways to say goodbye to the physical world, but I can think of few worse than being done in by a leaky hemorrhoid. So I monitored the situation and thankfully my deuces returned to normal (at least normal for me) after a few healthy meals and added fiber to the diet.
But there was a binge week that created its own nightmares. There were three straight days of three-deuce extravaganzas. Having been there, done that at this point, I wasn't too excited or concerned. But following these festivals of deuce, was a long weekend of alcohol and greasy food. The Friday night began with a mix of dark beers and a half-pint of Pabst blue ribbon. The following morning began my first all-day drinking fiesta in years. College football started at noon, and so did the drinking. College football continued until midnight, and so did the drinking. Pro football started Sunday at 10 am and so did the massive headache and wet pudding craps. In between this time was fried food, cheesy food, and general greasiness. Oh, and I can't forget the college football pause for Indian food. Lots and lots of spicy Indian food was inhaled in a drunken rage.
Now that I had started indulging, I was on a roll. The next few days continued with french fries, hamburgers, nachos, cake, pie and other fatty foods. Then came the return of the Bluddeanous. It started with just a touch of red within the mounds of brown. Nothing to be concerned about as this has occurred before. Soon enough, however, came rivers of blood. Not just a drop or two, it appeared as if the toilet was in the ER. This occurred for a few days and got to the point where I would crap more blood than...well.... crap. Not good. Not good at all. But having just written the post about my anal suppository experience, I was well-refreshed in what would happen if I went to the doctor with my bloody secret. So I kept it to myself (and the toilet bowl of course) and prayed that I would heal on my own. I should mention that I also saw an ER episode where a woman died bleeding out of her butt. There are some embarrassing ways to say goodbye to the physical world, but I can think of few worse than being done in by a leaky hemorrhoid. So I monitored the situation and thankfully my deuces returned to normal (at least normal for me) after a few healthy meals and added fiber to the diet.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
I'm back 9-28-08
My fellow diahreaders,
I apologize for my long absence from the deuce blogging world. The day after my last blog entry, I had a week long vacation. Without access to the internet, the deuce diaries suffered. When I returned, I realized that there is more to life than taking dumps and writing about it. So I moved on. Life was happy, my bowels were cleansed effortlessly, and no dump grabbed my attention enough to pull me back to the keyboard to write about it. But something has changed. I have been eating the yogurt everyday since the last entry, but I can almost not stand it anymore. No matter how much I drink, how much I eat, whatever I eat, I have to sit down and eat the same tasting yogurt day in and day out. Now I am starting to realize why people choose align. Also, it seems that the demons in my colon were sizing up the enemy before their recent and successful attack. The revolution in my intestines has not caused any urgent bowel movements. But I have had an aching stomach on numerous occasions, blood has returned to my stool, and nothing is coming easy. If I were George W., I would advocate a troop surge. But i don't want to eat even one yogurt a day let alone multiple yogurts. So with a sore ass, blood in my crap, and an achy stomach, I am at a crossroads. And at this cross-roads, I beg for your forgiveness and hope that you can help me through these dark times.
so without further ado, I return...to the deuce diaries.
I apologize for my long absence from the deuce blogging world. The day after my last blog entry, I had a week long vacation. Without access to the internet, the deuce diaries suffered. When I returned, I realized that there is more to life than taking dumps and writing about it. So I moved on. Life was happy, my bowels were cleansed effortlessly, and no dump grabbed my attention enough to pull me back to the keyboard to write about it. But something has changed. I have been eating the yogurt everyday since the last entry, but I can almost not stand it anymore. No matter how much I drink, how much I eat, whatever I eat, I have to sit down and eat the same tasting yogurt day in and day out. Now I am starting to realize why people choose align. Also, it seems that the demons in my colon were sizing up the enemy before their recent and successful attack. The revolution in my intestines has not caused any urgent bowel movements. But I have had an aching stomach on numerous occasions, blood has returned to my stool, and nothing is coming easy. If I were George W., I would advocate a troop surge. But i don't want to eat even one yogurt a day let alone multiple yogurts. So with a sore ass, blood in my crap, and an achy stomach, I am at a crossroads. And at this cross-roads, I beg for your forgiveness and hope that you can help me through these dark times.
so without further ado, I return...to the deuce diaries.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
8-24-08
Tropic Thunder is the theme of the week. I had more bellows from below today. I am on a personal hot streak. I would be the Michael Phelps in the Olympic sport of non-diarrheal deucing. Today was another 3-bagger. Amazing! That's 10 in three days, and I doubt I am finished. It started off normal enough. The usual cereal for breakfast, followed by a firm if not hard deuce. Then came more cake, of course. I had the leftover taco salad for lunch. Then I went to an acquaintance's house for dinner and the dump machine fired up again. This was not an ideal deuce situation because there is no sound proofing between rooms and the dinner table was a mere inches from the bathroom. That's city living for you. I had a big hard log that needed to come out just before dinner, and a few nuggets that begged for freedom after dinner.
Dinner was corn, steak, and salad. Finished off with raspberry sorbet and brown sugar homemade ice cream. And obviously, I need to get back into the peanut butter paradise cake. I am addicted. I would think I would gain five pounds from all this food gluttony, but I appear to be crapping it all out.
Stress: I drove the car today just before I deuced at the acquaintance's house.
Dietary supplements: the usual, minus the methane stuff.
Did I mention that I love this cake? God bless cold stone creamery.
Dinner was corn, steak, and salad. Finished off with raspberry sorbet and brown sugar homemade ice cream. And obviously, I need to get back into the peanut butter paradise cake. I am addicted. I would think I would gain five pounds from all this food gluttony, but I appear to be crapping it all out.
Stress: I drove the car today just before I deuced at the acquaintance's house.
Dietary supplements: the usual, minus the methane stuff.
Did I mention that I love this cake? God bless cold stone creamery.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
8-23-08
The morning started off right. I had to do some fantasy football drafting. Before I settled into the war room, I shed all of the alcohol, cookies and pizza from the night before. It was quick, it was quiet, and it was painless. But boy, was it extravagant. I thought that I wouldn't be able to crap again for days. But no. I was wrong. Another deuce was in store for me. I was about to make my draft pick (a reach for Calvin Johnson WR in round 3, for those who care), when an intended fart revealed a secret: there was more dump to give. So I urgently headed to the bathroom and shed some more weight. There wasn't a lot of girth to this excrement. It almost diarrheal, but not quite. It kind of burned, and was not pleasant. But I survived. I was left hoping that the day would not be another three deuce extravaganza like yesterday. But one never knows what is lurking in the bowels. I miraculously avoided a three-deuce day...by stretching into four deuce territory. Simply amazing. Shortly after I summarized my first two deuces in this very diary, I went to go shower. I felt the presence of more brown cream in my anus. I decided to relieve myself of this substance. I only dispensed two earthworm shape & size crap strips, but boy did it smell. The stink per square inch was off the charts. It even made me grossed out and I created it. I had to spray cologne before I got in the shower just to withstand the gag reflex.
Later in the day I went to see Tropic Thunder. Hilarious movie. Definitely a summer must-see. Near the end of the two hour film, I felt some tropic thunder myself. I required two pepto bismol to stay in the movie. I survived the film to see the climactic and laugh-out-loud ending. I then made a deposit to the local crap bank and felt much better.
Now let's get to the business of what created this marathon day of deuce.
Brunch: egg, ham, cheese, cream cheese on wheat english muffin
After brunch: peanut-butter paradise cake from Cold Stone Creamery. Chocolate cake, chocolate icing, chocolate ice cream with peanut butter swirls and peanut butter cups. Heaven!
Dinner: Fatburger!!!! The greatest burgers in the world. I say burgers plural because I had one and a half cheeseburgers with fried egg. Yum. But this isn't the cause of today's deuces because I had the four deuce drops before I even began dinner. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
After dinner: More cake!
Then celebrated with champagne and strawberries. Finished a whole bottle and felt quite a bit tipsy.
Dannon activia got lost within the whole celebration day. I popped an align before I went to bed.
Later in the day I went to see Tropic Thunder. Hilarious movie. Definitely a summer must-see. Near the end of the two hour film, I felt some tropic thunder myself. I required two pepto bismol to stay in the movie. I survived the film to see the climactic and laugh-out-loud ending. I then made a deposit to the local crap bank and felt much better.
Now let's get to the business of what created this marathon day of deuce.
Brunch: egg, ham, cheese, cream cheese on wheat english muffin
After brunch: peanut-butter paradise cake from Cold Stone Creamery. Chocolate cake, chocolate icing, chocolate ice cream with peanut butter swirls and peanut butter cups. Heaven!
Dinner: Fatburger!!!! The greatest burgers in the world. I say burgers plural because I had one and a half cheeseburgers with fried egg. Yum. But this isn't the cause of today's deuces because I had the four deuce drops before I even began dinner. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
After dinner: More cake!
Then celebrated with champagne and strawberries. Finished a whole bottle and felt quite a bit tipsy.
Dannon activia got lost within the whole celebration day. I popped an align before I went to bed.
8-22-2008
Breakfast: cheerios with lactose free milk
Lunch: I was talked into going to an Indian/Mediterranean restaurant. I got felafel, but I think they spiced it with a little curry. I also had to eat a few bites of someone's butter curry chicken. The result was not catastrophic, but not great either. I'll get to that in a moment.
Before Dinner: Dannon Activia Yogurt and a chocolate chip cookie.
Dinner: homemade pizza on wheat dough (from Trader Joe's). Topped with sliced tomato, mushroms, basil, artichoke hearts, feta cheese (not expired this time) and pine nuts. It was delicious.
The evening involved seven coronas, a few tortilla chips with tostitos nacho cheese in a jar and three chocolate chip cookies.
Exercise: 20 minutes aerobic and weightlifting.
The Deuce Story: This was like a soap opera. Each plot was interconnected and ongoing. I had a small but seemingly complete dump before exercising and after breakfast. Then, the deuce story continued with a bowl filler after the work-out. The deuce drama made a reappearance after lunch, but the story was never told to the bowl. Instead my stomach felt the subtle pangs of a deuce in training, not ready to be released into the wild. On my way home from work, I was able to visualize the release of the goo that was inhabiting the passage way of the lower intestine just short of the colon. I felt the presence within me and felt I needed to share it with the world. But I had other things to do. So my friend lingered there, never becoming impatient, but just letting me know if its presence. Finally, just before dinner, I had an opportunity to set it free. I was surprised at how large it had grown, given that I had just birthed several pounds in the morning. But the release was not as satisfying as I thought. It wasn't separation anxiety like a parent feels before dropping their kids off at college. It was a feeling of incompletenes. As if I wasn't quite through with the task at hand. I took a cab out to a friend's house to consume the aforementioned seven coronas. In this cab I felt rumbles in my stomach and was convinced that I would be forced to go straight for the friend's Le Deucery. But the beer settled my stomach, and the deuce was not to be heard from again. Until the next morning.
Lunch: I was talked into going to an Indian/Mediterranean restaurant. I got felafel, but I think they spiced it with a little curry. I also had to eat a few bites of someone's butter curry chicken. The result was not catastrophic, but not great either. I'll get to that in a moment.
Before Dinner: Dannon Activia Yogurt and a chocolate chip cookie.
Dinner: homemade pizza on wheat dough (from Trader Joe's). Topped with sliced tomato, mushroms, basil, artichoke hearts, feta cheese (not expired this time) and pine nuts. It was delicious.
The evening involved seven coronas, a few tortilla chips with tostitos nacho cheese in a jar and three chocolate chip cookies.
Exercise: 20 minutes aerobic and weightlifting.
The Deuce Story: This was like a soap opera. Each plot was interconnected and ongoing. I had a small but seemingly complete dump before exercising and after breakfast. Then, the deuce story continued with a bowl filler after the work-out. The deuce drama made a reappearance after lunch, but the story was never told to the bowl. Instead my stomach felt the subtle pangs of a deuce in training, not ready to be released into the wild. On my way home from work, I was able to visualize the release of the goo that was inhabiting the passage way of the lower intestine just short of the colon. I felt the presence within me and felt I needed to share it with the world. But I had other things to do. So my friend lingered there, never becoming impatient, but just letting me know if its presence. Finally, just before dinner, I had an opportunity to set it free. I was surprised at how large it had grown, given that I had just birthed several pounds in the morning. But the release was not as satisfying as I thought. It wasn't separation anxiety like a parent feels before dropping their kids off at college. It was a feeling of incompletenes. As if I wasn't quite through with the task at hand. I took a cab out to a friend's house to consume the aforementioned seven coronas. In this cab I felt rumbles in my stomach and was convinced that I would be forced to go straight for the friend's Le Deucery. But the beer settled my stomach, and the deuce was not to be heard from again. Until the next morning.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
8-18-08 through 8-20-08
I have been bad at keeping up on the deuce bloggin'. I am sorry to disappoint my loyal fans. Each day since I last wrote involved the same breakfast, the same lunch, but different dinners.
breakfast: cheerios with lactaid
lunch: almonds and a turkey sandwich
dinners in order: Chicken stuffed with ricotta cheese and covered with tomato sauce. Disgusting chicken teriyaki with white rice and lettuce topped with dressing that tasted like black licorice rubbed in someone's butt crack from a restaurant that smelled like rotting garbage. Not the best restaurant choice. Today's dinner was homemade taco night. Same as usual. Delicious!
The deuce stories. 8-18-08: I had a mildly large deuce before I exercised. But then I had an encore performance that would make an audience cry. Not that there was an audience, but this one was powerful. It was smooth like Michael J. Fox...in Teen Wolf of course, I am not trying to be ironic. If you are too young to know Teen Wolf, rent it. The first one, of course. Jason Bateman is hilarious (not just because his last name is about masturbation), but Teen Wolf Too is not exactly a classic. But car surfing in Teen Wolf? Genius. Seriously go take a dump and then rent it.
8-19-08 and 8-20-08: the same deuce story. After breakfast, two logs that would make a lumberjack salivate were expunged from my system. It was like Groundhogs day when I looked in the bowl on the 20th. I am glad my radio alarm didn't play "I got you babe" or else I would have gotten scared.
Dietary supplements: I have been trying a weird pill, in addition to my routine. methyl sulfonyl methane. I don't know if it is a good idea, but I have a weird nail injury and someone recommended this may help. If you have heard of it, let me know what you think, please.
Activia Experiment: I took a big risk. I had cookies late at night and didn't feel like having yogurt on the 19th. So instead, I popped an Align GI pill before I went to bed. The other nights I took my dannon activia. I didn't have any ill effects of the switch.
breakfast: cheerios with lactaid
lunch: almonds and a turkey sandwich
dinners in order: Chicken stuffed with ricotta cheese and covered with tomato sauce. Disgusting chicken teriyaki with white rice and lettuce topped with dressing that tasted like black licorice rubbed in someone's butt crack from a restaurant that smelled like rotting garbage. Not the best restaurant choice. Today's dinner was homemade taco night. Same as usual. Delicious!
The deuce stories. 8-18-08: I had a mildly large deuce before I exercised. But then I had an encore performance that would make an audience cry. Not that there was an audience, but this one was powerful. It was smooth like Michael J. Fox...in Teen Wolf of course, I am not trying to be ironic. If you are too young to know Teen Wolf, rent it. The first one, of course. Jason Bateman is hilarious (not just because his last name is about masturbation), but Teen Wolf Too is not exactly a classic. But car surfing in Teen Wolf? Genius. Seriously go take a dump and then rent it.
8-19-08 and 8-20-08: the same deuce story. After breakfast, two logs that would make a lumberjack salivate were expunged from my system. It was like Groundhogs day when I looked in the bowl on the 20th. I am glad my radio alarm didn't play "I got you babe" or else I would have gotten scared.
Dietary supplements: I have been trying a weird pill, in addition to my routine. methyl sulfonyl methane. I don't know if it is a good idea, but I have a weird nail injury and someone recommended this may help. If you have heard of it, let me know what you think, please.
Activia Experiment: I took a big risk. I had cookies late at night and didn't feel like having yogurt on the 19th. So instead, I popped an Align GI pill before I went to bed. The other nights I took my dannon activia. I didn't have any ill effects of the switch.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
8-14 to 8-17
Well folks, I took the wrong time to take a deuce diary hiatus. There were some bowel issues that I was just too busy to write about. So I'll do my best to create the knowledge from my fuzzy memory.
8-14
Probably had the regular breakfast.
Lunch: a delicious sandwich! Artichoke hearts with curry, curry mixed with mayo, turkey and gouda cheese on wheat bread. Yummy.
Dinner: Turkey burger with guacamole, low fat mayo, potentially expired feta cheese (cooked with the burger on the grill) and lettucce
After dinner: yogurt.
Stress: none. It was a beautiful day. Sat out on the balcony and relaxed with some beers. 4 beers to be exact. A Kolsch-style beer if that helps the sleuths out there.
The deuce story: a non-descript deuce that has eluded my memory.
8-15
Breakfast: barbara's oats cereal
Lunch: Turkey sandwich with lettuce, low-fat mayo, provolone cheese and guacamole.
Dinner: chicken stuffed with olives and feta cheese (not the expired kind). Pasta salad on the side.
After dinner: Dannon activia with fresh berries.
Stress: none
The deuce story: Now this deuce was memorable. Whether before breakfast or shortly after, I remember unleashing a fury upon the toilet. A massive deuce of perfect consistency was gently evacuated from my intestines. It was easy, although it left a horrible odor that persisted for nearly a half hour. I figured all was right with the world. No ill-effects of the curry or the potentially expired feta cheese. But that would not be the case. I decided to leave work early because it was a beautiful day. I was heading home when I felt as if my colon were a cannon that just got loaded. Out of nowhere, and without pain or warning, I came to the conclusion that I had a bomb in the hatch that needed to be released. There wasn't extreme urgency accompanying this feeling, but I would not dawdle on my way home.
When I did get home to give birth to this new child of mine, I went straight for my library. There I read the latest issue of People magazine and felt my anus get scorched by the curry concoction made in my stomach. This was not a comfortable experience.
8-16-08
breakfast: the usual
lunch: leftover turkey burger with reduced fat cream cheese, sprouts and guacamole.
dinner: at a football game, I chowed down some disgustingly dried out chicken fingers, french fries, a bbq pork sandwich and more french fries, and 5 bud light beers.
Stress: none
Exercise: 25 minutes aerobic after breakfast
The Deuce story: I remember feeling slightly uncomfortable, as if the deuce effects continued, but unfortunately I don't remember the specifics. I think I dropped it like its hot after exercising and it wasn't a comfortable spread. But again, the details of the day are vague.
8-17-08
Breakfast: wheat english muffin with american cheese, turkey bacon, and egg
Lunch: black beans with pork and rice.
Dinner: Grilled Portobello mushroom on wheat bread with reduced fat cream cheese, sprouts, and blue cheese. Leftover pasta salad on the side.
The deuce story: A big one. It came out smooth and easy. It also filled the bowl. But I finished this one with a little more discomfort than I began. It seemed smooth and easy. However, soon after, it felt as if a pole had been shoved up my butt. I don't know what that actually feels like, but this is how I would imagine that to feel. I had a little trouble walking or sitting. As the day progressed, though, I have returned back to normal. So that is good news.
8-14
Probably had the regular breakfast.
Lunch: a delicious sandwich! Artichoke hearts with curry, curry mixed with mayo, turkey and gouda cheese on wheat bread. Yummy.
Dinner: Turkey burger with guacamole, low fat mayo, potentially expired feta cheese (cooked with the burger on the grill) and lettucce
After dinner: yogurt.
Stress: none. It was a beautiful day. Sat out on the balcony and relaxed with some beers. 4 beers to be exact. A Kolsch-style beer if that helps the sleuths out there.
The deuce story: a non-descript deuce that has eluded my memory.
8-15
Breakfast: barbara's oats cereal
Lunch: Turkey sandwich with lettuce, low-fat mayo, provolone cheese and guacamole.
Dinner: chicken stuffed with olives and feta cheese (not the expired kind). Pasta salad on the side.
After dinner: Dannon activia with fresh berries.
Stress: none
The deuce story: Now this deuce was memorable. Whether before breakfast or shortly after, I remember unleashing a fury upon the toilet. A massive deuce of perfect consistency was gently evacuated from my intestines. It was easy, although it left a horrible odor that persisted for nearly a half hour. I figured all was right with the world. No ill-effects of the curry or the potentially expired feta cheese. But that would not be the case. I decided to leave work early because it was a beautiful day. I was heading home when I felt as if my colon were a cannon that just got loaded. Out of nowhere, and without pain or warning, I came to the conclusion that I had a bomb in the hatch that needed to be released. There wasn't extreme urgency accompanying this feeling, but I would not dawdle on my way home.
When I did get home to give birth to this new child of mine, I went straight for my library. There I read the latest issue of People magazine and felt my anus get scorched by the curry concoction made in my stomach. This was not a comfortable experience.
8-16-08
breakfast: the usual
lunch: leftover turkey burger with reduced fat cream cheese, sprouts and guacamole.
dinner: at a football game, I chowed down some disgustingly dried out chicken fingers, french fries, a bbq pork sandwich and more french fries, and 5 bud light beers.
Stress: none
Exercise: 25 minutes aerobic after breakfast
The Deuce story: I remember feeling slightly uncomfortable, as if the deuce effects continued, but unfortunately I don't remember the specifics. I think I dropped it like its hot after exercising and it wasn't a comfortable spread. But again, the details of the day are vague.
8-17-08
Breakfast: wheat english muffin with american cheese, turkey bacon, and egg
Lunch: black beans with pork and rice.
Dinner: Grilled Portobello mushroom on wheat bread with reduced fat cream cheese, sprouts, and blue cheese. Leftover pasta salad on the side.
The deuce story: A big one. It came out smooth and easy. It also filled the bowl. But I finished this one with a little more discomfort than I began. It seemed smooth and easy. However, soon after, it felt as if a pole had been shoved up my butt. I don't know what that actually feels like, but this is how I would imagine that to feel. I had a little trouble walking or sitting. As the day progressed, though, I have returned back to normal. So that is good news.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
8-13-08
So, I have to admit, I am an idiot. I threw out one milk, but I had two jugs. The second one also has a September expiration date. I believed that this one also smelled spoiled, but I was convinced otherwise by someone else who smelled it. So I had a bowl of barbara's oats cereal with the questionable milk. Bad idea.
breakfast: two bowls of barbara's oats with questionable lactose free milk.
Lunch: Leftover stirfried vegetables
Dinner: Chicken; ginger flavored cooked carrots; some sort of salad with avacodo, corn, black beans, and jacima; vanilla ice cream with blueberries; and a cooked, spiced nectarine.
After dinner: Dannon Activia Yogurt
Stress: I drove the car today.
Dietary supplements: None
Exercise: 10 minutes aerobic and sit-ups
The deuce story: oh boy. The day started off with a bang. I had breakfast and then dispensed a quite comfortable, but bowl filling deuce. I was lighter on my feet and I though the day was going to be great. Then at 3:50pm, I felt some rumbles in my stomach. I let off some paint-peeling farts. Then I decided I should try going to the bathroom. When I went to the bathroom at 4:15, I sat down with ass-raping diarrhea. I couldn't get off the toilet for 15 minutes. Squirt, pause, squirt, cramps, pause, squirt. Argh! It was never ending. Then an hour later, I also fired off a few wet shots. Completing the deuce, I then had to drive in traffic. This is a known trigger! Miraculously, I survived a few uncomfortable moments in the car without incident. The three pills of pepto bismol had to help. After learning that I crap out lunch carrots the morning after, I think the diarrhea was either caused by the morning's bowl of cereal with potentially spoiled milk, or the day before's mushroom tetrazini made with spoiled milk. Any guesses?
breakfast: two bowls of barbara's oats with questionable lactose free milk.
Lunch: Leftover stirfried vegetables
Dinner: Chicken; ginger flavored cooked carrots; some sort of salad with avacodo, corn, black beans, and jacima; vanilla ice cream with blueberries; and a cooked, spiced nectarine.
After dinner: Dannon Activia Yogurt
Stress: I drove the car today.
Dietary supplements: None
Exercise: 10 minutes aerobic and sit-ups
The deuce story: oh boy. The day started off with a bang. I had breakfast and then dispensed a quite comfortable, but bowl filling deuce. I was lighter on my feet and I though the day was going to be great. Then at 3:50pm, I felt some rumbles in my stomach. I let off some paint-peeling farts. Then I decided I should try going to the bathroom. When I went to the bathroom at 4:15, I sat down with ass-raping diarrhea. I couldn't get off the toilet for 15 minutes. Squirt, pause, squirt, cramps, pause, squirt. Argh! It was never ending. Then an hour later, I also fired off a few wet shots. Completing the deuce, I then had to drive in traffic. This is a known trigger! Miraculously, I survived a few uncomfortable moments in the car without incident. The three pills of pepto bismol had to help. After learning that I crap out lunch carrots the morning after, I think the diarrhea was either caused by the morning's bowl of cereal with potentially spoiled milk, or the day before's mushroom tetrazini made with spoiled milk. Any guesses?
8-12-08
Breakfast: started with a bowl of barbara's oats cereal with milk. But the milk tasted spoiled so I threw it all out and just had the barbara's oats dry. The expiration date was September 17th, so it made no sense.
Lunch: Turkey sandwich, farley's fruit snacks, almonds, and carrots
Dinner: Mushroom tetrazini made with the milk that I believed to be spoiled.
After dinner: Dannon Activia
Dietary supplements: the usual.
Exercise: 30 minute aerobic and weights
stress: i was a little concerned that the "spoiled milk" would cause trouble on the bus.
The deuce story: My stomach was jumping a bit on the bus, but no real problems. A small deuce was dropped before departing for work and after exercise.
Lunch: Turkey sandwich, farley's fruit snacks, almonds, and carrots
Dinner: Mushroom tetrazini made with the milk that I believed to be spoiled.
After dinner: Dannon Activia
Dietary supplements: the usual.
Exercise: 30 minute aerobic and weights
stress: i was a little concerned that the "spoiled milk" would cause trouble on the bus.
The deuce story: My stomach was jumping a bit on the bus, but no real problems. A small deuce was dropped before departing for work and after exercise.
Monday, August 11, 2008
8-11-08
Breakfast: cheerios
Lunch: the leftover indian food of butter chicken and rice.
After lunch snack: carrots and a banana
Dinner: the last of the ribs pulled off the bone and served on wheat bread.
After dinner: dannon activia with fresh rasberries
Exercise: 30 minutes aerobic before breakfast
Stress: a little deuce related stress that I'll explain in a moment
Dietary supplements: C, E, multivitamin and salmon oil pills
This is day 27 of the Dannon Activia Experiment. So far, I have the same general feeling that I had when I first started Align GI. My world has definitely improved. The only question is whether align gi had the same positive effect and then tailed off or if the improvement from constant deuce-asters to not-so-great was perceived the same way as the end of align experience to the beginning of the activia experiment. Not sure if that made sense, but the bottom line is, I feel better than I could ever remember, I have a bad memory, and that is why the deuce diaries got started....to see if Dannon can save me.
The deuce story: I was in a rush to get to work so I couldn't wait for the deuce to come out before leaving. As soon as I left the door, I got nervous that the absence of my morning ritual would ruin my day. My stomach got a little cramped and uncomfortable with the thought of having to run off the bus to crap in the woods. But no crap happened. When I got to work, the deuce anxiety subsided and so did the deuce feeling. I was able to survive until after lunch before I decided to deposit two hard plops into the work bathroom. I am having a few cramps in the evening, but nothing unbearable.
Lunch: the leftover indian food of butter chicken and rice.
After lunch snack: carrots and a banana
Dinner: the last of the ribs pulled off the bone and served on wheat bread.
After dinner: dannon activia with fresh rasberries
Exercise: 30 minutes aerobic before breakfast
Stress: a little deuce related stress that I'll explain in a moment
Dietary supplements: C, E, multivitamin and salmon oil pills
This is day 27 of the Dannon Activia Experiment. So far, I have the same general feeling that I had when I first started Align GI. My world has definitely improved. The only question is whether align gi had the same positive effect and then tailed off or if the improvement from constant deuce-asters to not-so-great was perceived the same way as the end of align experience to the beginning of the activia experiment. Not sure if that made sense, but the bottom line is, I feel better than I could ever remember, I have a bad memory, and that is why the deuce diaries got started....to see if Dannon can save me.
The deuce story: I was in a rush to get to work so I couldn't wait for the deuce to come out before leaving. As soon as I left the door, I got nervous that the absence of my morning ritual would ruin my day. My stomach got a little cramped and uncomfortable with the thought of having to run off the bus to crap in the woods. But no crap happened. When I got to work, the deuce anxiety subsided and so did the deuce feeling. I was able to survive until after lunch before I decided to deposit two hard plops into the work bathroom. I am having a few cramps in the evening, but nothing unbearable.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
8-9-08
So I thought the Indian food was eaten without incident. But, I was clearly wrong. Last night as I went to bed I felt the red hot curry lava scorching the intestine as it flowed through my bowels, destroying everything in its path. An occasional gas explosion was followed by a burning movement of the curry chicken. I was awakened several times with screams for help from my innards. But there was nothing I could do. The curry wasn't ready to come out, it just wanted to torture me. Read on to see the shocking conclusion of the Indian food event.
Brunch: Homemade egg muffin. Cheese, fat-free cream cheese, turkey bacon and scrambled egg on wheat english muffin.
Dinner: An awesome dinner! Ribs, mac& cheese, 7-layer salad and oreo ice-cream cake for dessert. Let's see if I pay for that cake tomorrow.
Beer: 3 or 4 coronas with lime
midnight snack: Dannon Activia yogurt
Exercise: none
Dietary supplements: none
stress: the car issues that I'll discuss in a moment
The deuce stories: When I woke up this late morning (around 11), the pain of the curry had subsided. I felt a bit of a load ready to come out and I obliged at my earliest convenience. Surprisingly, there was no burning sensation or anything. Just a normal, good consistency deuce. I thought the day would go just find and I would survive the Indian food. But then I made a mistake. I drove. I guess the theory that driving makes me subconsciously nervous and consciously deucy has some merit. I had just an 8 minute car ride to the grocery store. Within the second minute, I felt the stomach problems. I played relaxing classical music. I counted backwards from 100, but there was nothing I could do to keep my mind off of it. I got to the grocery store and purchased what I needed. There was another stop I was going to make on my way home, but the feeling of the deuce made me rethink the plan. Instead I headed home, dropped off the groceries and dropped off a load. Now I would think that if it were entirely mental, my deuce may have been 'rrheal or small. But this was a legitimate dump. It was a semi-bowl filler. And it all came out in one fell swoop. So I don't know if it was the indian food, the car ride, or just a deuce that needed to come out. But again, I found myself changing my life because of the dump. Not cool. The good news is, the deuce was an accomplishment and I am probably a few pounds lighter.
Brunch: Homemade egg muffin. Cheese, fat-free cream cheese, turkey bacon and scrambled egg on wheat english muffin.
Dinner: An awesome dinner! Ribs, mac& cheese, 7-layer salad and oreo ice-cream cake for dessert. Let's see if I pay for that cake tomorrow.
Beer: 3 or 4 coronas with lime
midnight snack: Dannon Activia yogurt
Exercise: none
Dietary supplements: none
stress: the car issues that I'll discuss in a moment
The deuce stories: When I woke up this late morning (around 11), the pain of the curry had subsided. I felt a bit of a load ready to come out and I obliged at my earliest convenience. Surprisingly, there was no burning sensation or anything. Just a normal, good consistency deuce. I thought the day would go just find and I would survive the Indian food. But then I made a mistake. I drove. I guess the theory that driving makes me subconsciously nervous and consciously deucy has some merit. I had just an 8 minute car ride to the grocery store. Within the second minute, I felt the stomach problems. I played relaxing classical music. I counted backwards from 100, but there was nothing I could do to keep my mind off of it. I got to the grocery store and purchased what I needed. There was another stop I was going to make on my way home, but the feeling of the deuce made me rethink the plan. Instead I headed home, dropped off the groceries and dropped off a load. Now I would think that if it were entirely mental, my deuce may have been 'rrheal or small. But this was a legitimate dump. It was a semi-bowl filler. And it all came out in one fell swoop. So I don't know if it was the indian food, the car ride, or just a deuce that needed to come out. But again, I found myself changing my life because of the dump. Not cool. The good news is, the deuce was an accomplishment and I am probably a few pounds lighter.
Friday, August 8, 2008
8-7-08
The carrots made a reappearance this morning, but were more discrete this time. So it wasn't a one time occurrence. Other than that the day was normal.
Breakfast: cereal.
Lunch: chicken teriyaki with brown rice
Dinner: chopped salad (green onions, turkey bacon, egg, noodles, blue cheese, chicken, tomato, avocado and low fat honey mustard dressing)
after dinner: dannon activia with granola.
Dietary supplements: salmon pills, multi-vitamin, vitamin E and vitamin C
Exercise: 30 minutes aerobic after the dump.
The deuce story: The long compact log was released in the morning. As I said, there was carroty goodness in there. Then I had to make another deposit after lunch. I was a bit gassy at night, but nothing that would evacuate a room.
Breakfast: cereal.
Lunch: chicken teriyaki with brown rice
Dinner: chopped salad (green onions, turkey bacon, egg, noodles, blue cheese, chicken, tomato, avocado and low fat honey mustard dressing)
after dinner: dannon activia with granola.
Dietary supplements: salmon pills, multi-vitamin, vitamin E and vitamin C
Exercise: 30 minutes aerobic after the dump.
The deuce story: The long compact log was released in the morning. As I said, there was carroty goodness in there. Then I had to make another deposit after lunch. I was a bit gassy at night, but nothing that would evacuate a room.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
8-6-08
I simultaneously learned two things this morning:
1. I digest food in less than 24 hours
2. Like corn, carrots can find their way into a dump.
After my standard breakfast of cheerios, I had stomach cramps. I decided to start off with a nice deuce. The first log was long, thick and smooth. Then came the less condensed crap. I got rid of quite a bit. When I checked to see what I had done, I noticed lots of orange carrot bits tucked into the lumps and floating in the water. I had never seen anything like it before. Is that normal, or is there something wrong with me?
Knowing that I digest food in less than 24 hours may help discover what triggers the deuceasters. Or it may just be an odd fact that noone wanted to know. Either way, let's get deucin':
breakfast: cheerios
lunch: leftover turkey taco meat with rice, beans, fat-free sour cream, and a bit of cheese. Carrots and a banana added to the healthiness of the lunch.
dinner: mushroom stuffed ravioli, beef sliders, french cheese on bread, walnuts, and two grapes.
After dinner: 3 glasses of red wine
Dannon Activia was less than appetizing after the wine.
exercise: 35 minutes aerobic after the dump.
stress: none
Dietary supplements: none.
The deuce story: The carrot infused dump in the morning set me straight for the day.
1. I digest food in less than 24 hours
2. Like corn, carrots can find their way into a dump.
After my standard breakfast of cheerios, I had stomach cramps. I decided to start off with a nice deuce. The first log was long, thick and smooth. Then came the less condensed crap. I got rid of quite a bit. When I checked to see what I had done, I noticed lots of orange carrot bits tucked into the lumps and floating in the water. I had never seen anything like it before. Is that normal, or is there something wrong with me?
Knowing that I digest food in less than 24 hours may help discover what triggers the deuceasters. Or it may just be an odd fact that noone wanted to know. Either way, let's get deucin':
breakfast: cheerios
lunch: leftover turkey taco meat with rice, beans, fat-free sour cream, and a bit of cheese. Carrots and a banana added to the healthiness of the lunch.
dinner: mushroom stuffed ravioli, beef sliders, french cheese on bread, walnuts, and two grapes.
After dinner: 3 glasses of red wine
Dannon Activia was less than appetizing after the wine.
exercise: 35 minutes aerobic after the dump.
stress: none
Dietary supplements: none.
The deuce story: The carrot infused dump in the morning set me straight for the day.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
8-5-08
Breakfast: two bowls of cheerios with lactose free milk
lunch: carrots and turkey sandwich with turkey bacon, lettuce and mayo. Chocolate granola bar for snack.
dinner: taco night! fat-free sour cream, quacamole, turkey taco meat, lettuce, tomato, rice with cilantro and refried beans.
Dietary supplements: the usual with vitamin c and E.
Stress: none
Exercise: None
The deuce story: A big one this morning after breakfast (and after stomach cramps).
lunch: carrots and turkey sandwich with turkey bacon, lettuce and mayo. Chocolate granola bar for snack.
dinner: taco night! fat-free sour cream, quacamole, turkey taco meat, lettuce, tomato, rice with cilantro and refried beans.
Dietary supplements: the usual with vitamin c and E.
Stress: none
Exercise: None
The deuce story: A big one this morning after breakfast (and after stomach cramps).
8-4-08
Well, my little deuce-tectives, we finally have a mystery for you to solve. Yesterday, I felt some rumbles on the way to the airport to pick someone up. It seemed to me that the previous night's alcohol and the car ride were the culprit. Well today, was a problematic day without an obvious cause. Get to work!
Breakfast: cheerios
Lunch: the usual turkey sandwich with the dannon activia yogurt for lunch. Chocolate granola bar as a snack.
Dinner: This certainly didn't help my stomach troubles. It was a baseball game night. so there were 4 summer ale beers and 3 bud lights before during and after a stream of pizza, nachos, pita & hummos. the night ended with a street vendor's sausage with cream cheese (as gross as that sounds for many reasons, it was delicious!)
Stress: A little stress about trying to scalp tickets
Dietary supplements: I honestly don't remember.
Exercise: None
The deuce story. The morning started with a bang. A long painful deuce was dropped after breakfast. Then the stomach was a bit off all day. I had to drop some kids off at the work pool. Then before leaving for the game, I had to expunge two quarter sized nuggets of goodness. Then, on the way to the baseball game, I resorted to Pepto Bismol to save me from the stomach flips. After the trusty PB, I was good to go for the evening. But the day of three deuces and stomach cramps was something I would like to avoid in the future. Any guesses?
Breakfast: cheerios
Lunch: the usual turkey sandwich with the dannon activia yogurt for lunch. Chocolate granola bar as a snack.
Dinner: This certainly didn't help my stomach troubles. It was a baseball game night. so there were 4 summer ale beers and 3 bud lights before during and after a stream of pizza, nachos, pita & hummos. the night ended with a street vendor's sausage with cream cheese (as gross as that sounds for many reasons, it was delicious!)
Stress: A little stress about trying to scalp tickets
Dietary supplements: I honestly don't remember.
Exercise: None
The deuce story. The morning started with a bang. A long painful deuce was dropped after breakfast. Then the stomach was a bit off all day. I had to drop some kids off at the work pool. Then before leaving for the game, I had to expunge two quarter sized nuggets of goodness. Then, on the way to the baseball game, I resorted to Pepto Bismol to save me from the stomach flips. After the trusty PB, I was good to go for the evening. But the day of three deuces and stomach cramps was something I would like to avoid in the future. Any guesses?
Sunday, August 3, 2008
8-3-08
At first, I felt no ill effects from yesterday's evening. A few cramps led to a big dump before the day even started. Then...
Breakfast: two bowls of cheerios
Lunch: Macaroni and cheese
Dinner: Burrito (with sour cream, refried beans, rice, cheese, guacamole, no meat)
After dinner: Dannon Activia
Stress: I was the passenger in a car ride to the airport. I felt nervous about the car-ride for whatever reason. Played classical music to relax the bowels.
Deuce story: The stomach kept flipping in the car, but no deuce emergency. When I got the airport (we were there to pick someone up), I chose to go in and drop my deuce rather than risk a painful, long journey home. In haste, my zipper popped open and broke. I then had to drive back with a guest and my baggage exposed. not cool.
Breakfast: two bowls of cheerios
Lunch: Macaroni and cheese
Dinner: Burrito (with sour cream, refried beans, rice, cheese, guacamole, no meat)
After dinner: Dannon Activia
Stress: I was the passenger in a car ride to the airport. I felt nervous about the car-ride for whatever reason. Played classical music to relax the bowels.
Deuce story: The stomach kept flipping in the car, but no deuce emergency. When I got the airport (we were there to pick someone up), I chose to go in and drop my deuce rather than risk a painful, long journey home. In haste, my zipper popped open and broke. I then had to drive back with a guest and my baggage exposed. not cool.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
8-2-2008
Brunch: eggs with turkey bacon and a slice of american chese on wheat.
after brunch snack: Dannon Activia Yogurt with granola
Dinner: hamburger with blue cheese and french fries and one chicken finger with bbq sauce
AFter dinner: pear martinis! Very manly and tasty.
Big mistake: after feeling sleepy, I decided to chug a zipfizz beverage. this is a energy drink powder that you add to water. Shortly after, I got on a bus. The semi-nervousness of transit and the caffeinated beverage had my stomach in a bit of lurch. After dinner, I had some explosive gas. But no deuce story, so I guess it wasn't as big of a mistake as I thought it was going to be.
Exercise: 20 minutes aerobics and then weights (after breakfast and deucing)
Stress: none
The deuce story: A nice deuce experience punished the bathroom. Smooth and semi-soft. No problems. Fortunately, the load drop-off occurred before exercising. The stomach discomfort later in the evening was taken care of with some air bombs.
after brunch snack: Dannon Activia Yogurt with granola
Dinner: hamburger with blue cheese and french fries and one chicken finger with bbq sauce
AFter dinner: pear martinis! Very manly and tasty.
Big mistake: after feeling sleepy, I decided to chug a zipfizz beverage. this is a energy drink powder that you add to water. Shortly after, I got on a bus. The semi-nervousness of transit and the caffeinated beverage had my stomach in a bit of lurch. After dinner, I had some explosive gas. But no deuce story, so I guess it wasn't as big of a mistake as I thought it was going to be.
Exercise: 20 minutes aerobics and then weights (after breakfast and deucing)
Stress: none
The deuce story: A nice deuce experience punished the bathroom. Smooth and semi-soft. No problems. Fortunately, the load drop-off occurred before exercising. The stomach discomfort later in the evening was taken care of with some air bombs.
Friday, August 1, 2008
8-1-08
The first of August brought another regular day.
Breakfast: cheerios
Lunch: Chicken Teriyaki with brown rice and a salad.
Afternoon snack: fat-free wheat pretzels and a granola bar
Dinner: a mixture of leftover pasta with a homemade sauce (week-old cottage cheese, cream cheese, Frank's hot sauce, BBQ sauce, Kraft American cheese single, Oatmeal, a touch of shredded cheese, and onions) and chicken. I realized the onions smelled awfully bad after I had put a few in the sauce. So if I fall ill, rotten onions would be a logical guess. I brought the sauce to a boil, so hopefully that killed any of the smell-causing agents.
After dinner: Activia Yogurt with shredded wheat
Dietary supplements: the usual plus a vitamin C because I am feeling a touch under the weather.
Exercise: 30 minutes aerobic and sit-ups before breakfast.
Stress: none
The deuce story: two smooth logs graced the bowl after breakfast.
Breakfast: cheerios
Lunch: Chicken Teriyaki with brown rice and a salad.
Afternoon snack: fat-free wheat pretzels and a granola bar
Dinner: a mixture of leftover pasta with a homemade sauce (week-old cottage cheese, cream cheese, Frank's hot sauce, BBQ sauce, Kraft American cheese single, Oatmeal, a touch of shredded cheese, and onions) and chicken. I realized the onions smelled awfully bad after I had put a few in the sauce. So if I fall ill, rotten onions would be a logical guess. I brought the sauce to a boil, so hopefully that killed any of the smell-causing agents.
After dinner: Activia Yogurt with shredded wheat
Dietary supplements: the usual plus a vitamin C because I am feeling a touch under the weather.
Exercise: 30 minutes aerobic and sit-ups before breakfast.
Stress: none
The deuce story: two smooth logs graced the bowl after breakfast.
7-31-08
This was a nondescript day. To be perfectly honest, I am writing it the day after and I have to push my brain to scour the memory banks to bring to you any of the details.
Breakfast: none
Lunch: the usual turkey sandwich (no tomato) with fat-free wheat pretzels, almonds, and two granola bars (I had to make up for skipping breakfast).
dinner: A chicken pasta dish
After dinner snack: Activia Yogurt
Exercise: None
Dietary supplements: the usual
The Deuce Story: Normal deuce in the morning. Some fierce farts at night
Breakfast: none
Lunch: the usual turkey sandwich (no tomato) with fat-free wheat pretzels, almonds, and two granola bars (I had to make up for skipping breakfast).
dinner: A chicken pasta dish
After dinner snack: Activia Yogurt
Exercise: None
Dietary supplements: the usual
The Deuce Story: Normal deuce in the morning. Some fierce farts at night
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