How to Enjoy the Deuce Diaries

Like a bad CSI episode, this blog will keep you guessing until the last minute. I will bring to you the past, present, and future of my bathroom emergencies. I encourage you to post your own stories, express your sympathies, or make suggestions to make my life better under the comments after any blog that moves you. If you are looking for the sheer entertainment of the truthful near-deuce (in pants) encounters, then read the "Deuce-aster stories." If you are looking to play the guess what's triggering the irritable bowel syndrome home game, read the "Daily Diet and Deuce Effects" posts which are labeled by date. In these posts, I will describe what I ate and what level of stress or nervousness I was dealing with. But like searching through a big dump after eating a few Chipotle burritos, you will find some kernels of goodness in these posts. This is because my life is a constant adventure. My stomach is like Mount Vesuvius, ready to explode at any moment and bring hell upon any day. Therefore, you just might find another entertaining story about the runs. And you may be Sherlock Holmes and find the way to stop this menace!

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Missing Days

I should say that for the past month and a half I have stayed exclusively with the dannon activia yogurt. The days of switching back and forth between yogurt, nothing, and align gi caused so many troubles it wasn't worth it. While there are few food more vile after a night of heavy drinking, there are few activities more vile than uncontrollable diarrhea. While this past month and a half have been mainly uneventful, there were some concerning incidents. Unfortunately, I do not have the details to pin down the exact root of the problem.

But there was a binge week that created its own nightmares. There were three straight days of three-deuce extravaganzas. Having been there, done that at this point, I wasn't too excited or concerned. But following these festivals of deuce, was a long weekend of alcohol and greasy food. The Friday night began with a mix of dark beers and a half-pint of Pabst blue ribbon. The following morning began my first all-day drinking fiesta in years. College football started at noon, and so did the drinking. College football continued until midnight, and so did the drinking. Pro football started Sunday at 10 am and so did the massive headache and wet pudding craps. In between this time was fried food, cheesy food, and general greasiness. Oh, and I can't forget the college football pause for Indian food. Lots and lots of spicy Indian food was inhaled in a drunken rage.

Now that I had started indulging, I was on a roll. The next few days continued with french fries, hamburgers, nachos, cake, pie and other fatty foods. Then came the return of the Bluddeanous. It started with just a touch of red within the mounds of brown. Nothing to be concerned about as this has occurred before. Soon enough, however, came rivers of blood. Not just a drop or two, it appeared as if the toilet was in the ER. This occurred for a few days and got to the point where I would crap more blood than...well.... crap. Not good. Not good at all. But having just written the post about my anal suppository experience, I was well-refreshed in what would happen if I went to the doctor with my bloody secret. So I kept it to myself (and the toilet bowl of course) and prayed that I would heal on my own. I should mention that I also saw an ER episode where a woman died bleeding out of her butt. There are some embarrassing ways to say goodbye to the physical world, but I can think of few worse than being done in by a leaky hemorrhoid. So I monitored the situation and thankfully my deuces returned to normal (at least normal for me) after a few healthy meals and added fiber to the diet.

Friday, December 5, 2008


After my morning bowl of cereal, and before my morning wee, I released 2.1 pounds of excrement. Some of that had to be the urination that was stored through the night, but I was still impressed. The first half pound (that's a guess, no intermediate measurement was taken) was expelled with ease. Then I hit the deucer's equivalent of the runner's wall. I knew I had more left deep in me, but I was stuck at a stopping point. I did something the doctors have told me countless times not to do. I gave it a little squeeze or two. After I squeezed off a few rounds, the river of dump started flowing. The last pound came out effortlessly and I am now ready to start my day.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


A .7 pounder this morning. Needless to say I was disappointed.