How to Enjoy the Deuce Diaries

Like a bad CSI episode, this blog will keep you guessing until the last minute. I will bring to you the past, present, and future of my bathroom emergencies. I encourage you to post your own stories, express your sympathies, or make suggestions to make my life better under the comments after any blog that moves you. If you are looking for the sheer entertainment of the truthful near-deuce (in pants) encounters, then read the "Deuce-aster stories." If you are looking to play the guess what's triggering the irritable bowel syndrome home game, read the "Daily Diet and Deuce Effects" posts which are labeled by date. In these posts, I will describe what I ate and what level of stress or nervousness I was dealing with. But like searching through a big dump after eating a few Chipotle burritos, you will find some kernels of goodness in these posts. This is because my life is a constant adventure. My stomach is like Mount Vesuvius, ready to explode at any moment and bring hell upon any day. Therefore, you just might find another entertaining story about the runs. And you may be Sherlock Holmes and find the way to stop this menace!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

January 22

I have come to realize that if I take a yogurt at night and have a bowl of cheerios in the morning, a deuce will inevitably follow within 5-10 minutes of finishing the bowl of cereal. Without the cheerios, I can store the very sludge that wants so desperately to come out for hours. Therefore, life is so much better when I have the time and inclination to eat a bowl of cheerios in the morning.

This particular morning, the cheerios induced deuce allowed me to flawlessly relinquish 1.4 pounds of excrement. At the sight of it, I thought I had dropped off two pounds. It must have not been a dense dump, becuase it created a mound that pierced the sky. In fact, I was in danger of leaving such an architectural wonder that had I released any more building blocks the deuce tower would have approached my cement factory.

---Deuces Wild

Friday, January 2, 2009

Sad Truth

The holidays came and went and the deuce diaries failed to earn me any christmas cash. In an ominous reverse game of chicken or the egg, it is unclear which died first the ad revenue or the deuce writing. While the holiday overeating led first to some constipation and then to some soft semi-sloppy craps, nothing worthy of print occurred. I believe I broke the record for the Deuces Wild's largest deuce in history, but I failed to the proper measurements before and after the big show. It started off with a firm log that felt as if it could end the performance. But after a brief squeeze, the rest of the load was dropped into the hatch prepared for launch. That seems to be a familiar story these days.

I digress. Allow me to get to the point. There is only so much time I can devote to blogging about my dumps without some sort of financial benefit. There are great links on the side bars for such products as the self-wipe toilet aid. In case it is absent, you can check it out here: Self Wiper I don't know why but there is something about this product and the picture that makes me laugh. I probably won't be laughing when some sort of debilitation forces me to buy it. Until then, I'll get some joy out of the picture of the arm flexing and holding an anal wiping apparatus.

Let me get to the point. I have a few more hilarious stories that need to be shared. But you must do your part. Show me the money! And give me some feedback in the comments while you are at it. In the meantime, I am going to go lay down. I ate too much Indian food and am suffering through a minor case of the mud butt. I had a few thick squirts of dirty, curry-fried butt cream and am hopeful that a going horizontal may keep the remaining feces in place within the intestines until it has ample opportunity to solidify.

Until next time....