How to Enjoy the Deuce Diaries

Like a bad CSI episode, this blog will keep you guessing until the last minute. I will bring to you the past, present, and future of my bathroom emergencies. I encourage you to post your own stories, express your sympathies, or make suggestions to make my life better under the comments after any blog that moves you. If you are looking for the sheer entertainment of the truthful near-deuce (in pants) encounters, then read the "Deuce-aster stories." If you are looking to play the guess what's triggering the irritable bowel syndrome home game, read the "Daily Diet and Deuce Effects" posts which are labeled by date. In these posts, I will describe what I ate and what level of stress or nervousness I was dealing with. But like searching through a big dump after eating a few Chipotle burritos, you will find some kernels of goodness in these posts. This is because my life is a constant adventure. My stomach is like Mount Vesuvius, ready to explode at any moment and bring hell upon any day. Therefore, you just might find another entertaining story about the runs. And you may be Sherlock Holmes and find the way to stop this menace!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

January 22

I have come to realize that if I take a yogurt at night and have a bowl of cheerios in the morning, a deuce will inevitably follow within 5-10 minutes of finishing the bowl of cereal. Without the cheerios, I can store the very sludge that wants so desperately to come out for hours. Therefore, life is so much better when I have the time and inclination to eat a bowl of cheerios in the morning.

This particular morning, the cheerios induced deuce allowed me to flawlessly relinquish 1.4 pounds of excrement. At the sight of it, I thought I had dropped off two pounds. It must have not been a dense dump, becuase it created a mound that pierced the sky. In fact, I was in danger of leaving such an architectural wonder that had I released any more building blocks the deuce tower would have approached my cement factory.

---Deuces Wild

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just gross. Keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Everyone needs to click some ads so this dude will keep posting

DeuceFan said...

Come back to us! Someone click some dang ads to get this thing going again!

Anonymous said...

We need some add clickin' folks!

Bill said...

I was just recommended to read the deuce diaries. The friend who recommended I read this would probably enjoy the fact that I include this story. Therefor as a tribute to him I will share this moment with the rest of the world/Deuce Diary readers. One sunday morning before leaving for basketball, the hot wings from the night before started trying to come back out into the world for another look. After two rounds of thanking the porcelain gods, I decided I was okay to make the 15 minute ride to the court. Half way there I realized just how wrong I was. I was soooo wrong that there was no time to find a bathroom on the side of the highway. The next exit was going to have to suffice. My thoughts were just pull over and dump on the sidewalk like an untrained dog. I saw some bushes in front of someone's house on a string of row-homes that would hide me at least a little bit. As I turn to pull down my pants and bare all to the world at 7:15 AM (all church goers), I saw a gift from above across the street...A dumpster with a two sided wall around the back of it. I ran over about to burst and decided I was going to have to get in, but as luck would have it there was a card board box behind it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH relief. An explosion that rivals the A-bomb directly into the box. Using an old sock in my car to clean up, and tossing the box into the dumpster I was ready to go play ball. Actually, one more round at the court and I was lighter than ever.