How to Enjoy the Deuce Diaries

Like a bad CSI episode, this blog will keep you guessing until the last minute. I will bring to you the past, present, and future of my bathroom emergencies. I encourage you to post your own stories, express your sympathies, or make suggestions to make my life better under the comments after any blog that moves you. If you are looking for the sheer entertainment of the truthful near-deuce (in pants) encounters, then read the "Deuce-aster stories." If you are looking to play the guess what's triggering the irritable bowel syndrome home game, read the "Daily Diet and Deuce Effects" posts which are labeled by date. In these posts, I will describe what I ate and what level of stress or nervousness I was dealing with. But like searching through a big dump after eating a few Chipotle burritos, you will find some kernels of goodness in these posts. This is because my life is a constant adventure. My stomach is like Mount Vesuvius, ready to explode at any moment and bring hell upon any day. Therefore, you just might find another entertaining story about the runs. And you may be Sherlock Holmes and find the way to stop this menace!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Bluddeanous Period Part 4

To recap: After discovering a red bomb exploded in the toilet that changed my world forever like Hiroshima, I went to the doctor to get to the root of the problem. I was demeaned with the task of proving there was blood in stool, which resulted in an uncomfortable and unholy, well I guess quite hole-y, use of popsicle sticks. After storing poop smears in my apartment for several days, I finally collected enough brown stamps to turn them in to the doctor for my prize.

Lo and behold, they discovered that there was actually blood in stool. This came as a huge surprise after my dump looked like Stephen King's Carrie at the prom. And boy did they ever have a prize for me. They scheduled an appointment to meet with Dr. Steve. I just made up his name just now, but it seems fitting for the story. I don't remember the actual doctor's name, just the size of his thumb. My apologies for those of you who weren't interested in this kind of story. But sometimes the truth, and a doctor's appendages, hurt. And this is definitely one of those cases.

So I have an appointment with who we will call Dr. Steve. An old, pedophile looking doctor with thick dark-framed glasses. He wore the white doctor's coat of authority, but looked more like a senile Wal-Mart greeter. He had a grandpa-type uncertainty to his voice when he asked me to get changed into the gown. When he returned, he struggled to read the chart through his thick glasses. Then he told me to turn around and put my hand on the tables. I will never forget his request as he lubed up his gloves, "Please squeeze like you are having a bowel movement." Then with one fell swoop, his cold lubricated finger was in my asshole. It kind of scoped around in there. Then he said to himself, "nope." He fumbled through to place another finger in there. Not more fingers at the same time, I just think he felt like he wanted a different angle. I am convinced this one was his thumb, but I didn't have the courage to look. The last thing I wanted to do was make eye contact with a man who had his hand in butt.

He looked rather confused. I would make a joke that he looked pleased with the events as he smoked his cigarette, but that wouldn't make me look good either. Instead, he really just looked puzzled. He scribbled on the chart and said something like, "well, I didn't see anything." That could either have been because he looked half-blind, because his exploration wasn't exactly a visual inspection, or because there really isn't much to see in the naked anus with a naked eye.

As I was advanced to the next step, I learned that like the popsicle stick search for proof of blood, this anal violation was not necessary. Ideally I would have skipped to step four of this awful experience (not that step four gets any better). But instead, I had one more experience to go through before the Bluddeanous Period would be complete.

To be continued...

Sunday, August 24, 2008


Tropic Thunder is the theme of the week. I had more bellows from below today. I am on a personal hot streak. I would be the Michael Phelps in the Olympic sport of non-diarrheal deucing. Today was another 3-bagger. Amazing! That's 10 in three days, and I doubt I am finished. It started off normal enough. The usual cereal for breakfast, followed by a firm if not hard deuce. Then came more cake, of course. I had the leftover taco salad for lunch. Then I went to an acquaintance's house for dinner and the dump machine fired up again. This was not an ideal deuce situation because there is no sound proofing between rooms and the dinner table was a mere inches from the bathroom. That's city living for you. I had a big hard log that needed to come out just before dinner, and a few nuggets that begged for freedom after dinner.

Dinner was corn, steak, and salad. Finished off with raspberry sorbet and brown sugar homemade ice cream. And obviously, I need to get back into the peanut butter paradise cake. I am addicted. I would think I would gain five pounds from all this food gluttony, but I appear to be crapping it all out.

Stress: I drove the car today just before I deuced at the acquaintance's house.

Dietary supplements: the usual, minus the methane stuff.

Did I mention that I love this cake? God bless cold stone creamery.

Saturday, August 23, 2008


The morning started off right. I had to do some fantasy football drafting. Before I settled into the war room, I shed all of the alcohol, cookies and pizza from the night before. It was quick, it was quiet, and it was painless. But boy, was it extravagant. I thought that I wouldn't be able to crap again for days. But no. I was wrong. Another deuce was in store for me. I was about to make my draft pick (a reach for Calvin Johnson WR in round 3, for those who care), when an intended fart revealed a secret: there was more dump to give. So I urgently headed to the bathroom and shed some more weight. There wasn't a lot of girth to this excrement. It almost diarrheal, but not quite. It kind of burned, and was not pleasant. But I survived. I was left hoping that the day would not be another three deuce extravaganza like yesterday. But one never knows what is lurking in the bowels. I miraculously avoided a three-deuce stretching into four deuce territory. Simply amazing. Shortly after I summarized my first two deuces in this very diary, I went to go shower. I felt the presence of more brown cream in my anus. I decided to relieve myself of this substance. I only dispensed two earthworm shape & size crap strips, but boy did it smell. The stink per square inch was off the charts. It even made me grossed out and I created it. I had to spray cologne before I got in the shower just to withstand the gag reflex.

Later in the day I went to see Tropic Thunder. Hilarious movie. Definitely a summer must-see. Near the end of the two hour film, I felt some tropic thunder myself. I required two pepto bismol to stay in the movie. I survived the film to see the climactic and laugh-out-loud ending. I then made a deposit to the local crap bank and felt much better.

Now let's get to the business of what created this marathon day of deuce.

Brunch: egg, ham, cheese, cream cheese on wheat english muffin
After brunch: peanut-butter paradise cake from Cold Stone Creamery. Chocolate cake, chocolate icing, chocolate ice cream with peanut butter swirls and peanut butter cups. Heaven!
Dinner: Fatburger!!!! The greatest burgers in the world. I say burgers plural because I had one and a half cheeseburgers with fried egg. Yum. But this isn't the cause of today's deuces because I had the four deuce drops before I even began dinner. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
After dinner: More cake!
Then celebrated with champagne and strawberries. Finished a whole bottle and felt quite a bit tipsy.

Dannon activia got lost within the whole celebration day. I popped an align before I went to bed.


Breakfast: cheerios with lactose free milk
Lunch: I was talked into going to an Indian/Mediterranean restaurant. I got felafel, but I think they spiced it with a little curry. I also had to eat a few bites of someone's butter curry chicken. The result was not catastrophic, but not great either. I'll get to that in a moment.
Before Dinner: Dannon Activia Yogurt and a chocolate chip cookie.
Dinner: homemade pizza on wheat dough (from Trader Joe's). Topped with sliced tomato, mushroms, basil, artichoke hearts, feta cheese (not expired this time) and pine nuts. It was delicious.

The evening involved seven coronas, a few tortilla chips with tostitos nacho cheese in a jar and three chocolate chip cookies.

Exercise: 20 minutes aerobic and weightlifting.

The Deuce Story: This was like a soap opera. Each plot was interconnected and ongoing. I had a small but seemingly complete dump before exercising and after breakfast. Then, the deuce story continued with a bowl filler after the work-out. The deuce drama made a reappearance after lunch, but the story was never told to the bowl. Instead my stomach felt the subtle pangs of a deuce in training, not ready to be released into the wild. On my way home from work, I was able to visualize the release of the goo that was inhabiting the passage way of the lower intestine just short of the colon. I felt the presence within me and felt I needed to share it with the world. But I had other things to do. So my friend lingered there, never becoming impatient, but just letting me know if its presence. Finally, just before dinner, I had an opportunity to set it free. I was surprised at how large it had grown, given that I had just birthed several pounds in the morning. But the release was not as satisfying as I thought. It wasn't separation anxiety like a parent feels before dropping their kids off at college. It was a feeling of incompletenes. As if I wasn't quite through with the task at hand. I took a cab out to a friend's house to consume the aforementioned seven coronas. In this cab I felt rumbles in my stomach and was convinced that I would be forced to go straight for the friend's Le Deucery. But the beer settled my stomach, and the deuce was not to be heard from again. Until the next morning.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

8-18-08 through 8-20-08

I have been bad at keeping up on the deuce bloggin'. I am sorry to disappoint my loyal fans. Each day since I last wrote involved the same breakfast, the same lunch, but different dinners.

breakfast: cheerios with lactaid
lunch: almonds and a turkey sandwich

dinners in order: Chicken stuffed with ricotta cheese and covered with tomato sauce. Disgusting chicken teriyaki with white rice and lettuce topped with dressing that tasted like black licorice rubbed in someone's butt crack from a restaurant that smelled like rotting garbage. Not the best restaurant choice. Today's dinner was homemade taco night. Same as usual. Delicious!

The deuce stories. 8-18-08: I had a mildly large deuce before I exercised. But then I had an encore performance that would make an audience cry. Not that there was an audience, but this one was powerful. It was smooth like Michael J. Teen Wolf of course, I am not trying to be ironic. If you are too young to know Teen Wolf, rent it. The first one, of course. Jason Bateman is hilarious (not just because his last name is about masturbation), but Teen Wolf Too is not exactly a classic. But car surfing in Teen Wolf? Genius. Seriously go take a dump and then rent it.

8-19-08 and 8-20-08: the same deuce story. After breakfast, two logs that would make a lumberjack salivate were expunged from my system. It was like Groundhogs day when I looked in the bowl on the 20th. I am glad my radio alarm didn't play "I got you babe" or else I would have gotten scared.

Dietary supplements: I have been trying a weird pill, in addition to my routine. methyl sulfonyl methane. I don't know if it is a good idea, but I have a weird nail injury and someone recommended this may help. If you have heard of it, let me know what you think, please.

Activia Experiment: I took a big risk. I had cookies late at night and didn't feel like having yogurt on the 19th. So instead, I popped an Align GI pill before I went to bed. The other nights I took my dannon activia. I didn't have any ill effects of the switch.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Bluddeanous Part 3

WARNING, this post is not intended for those who are easily queasy. In case you have not been following the details of the Deuce Era or its Bluddeanous Period, let me catch you up to speed. I had been having plenty of poop problems, but I hadn't realized there was something abnormally wrong with me until my bowels exploded to form a sea of red around the brown mound in the bowl. This warning sign was literally bright enough for me to take heed.

So I headed to the doctor. This was my first mistake. As I explained to the doctor the discovery of blood in the toilet, he became visibly worried. He did what no doctor should do. He would make concerned faces and interject with statements like "that's not good." He then became doctorly and explained the things that it could be. It could be colon cancer, colon polyps, a peptic ulcer, Crohn's disease or other serious issues. Of course he concluded by telling me that I shouldn't worry. Right. The first step was to make sure that I did in fact have blood in the stool. Apparently a bowl full of red isn't good enough. So I was put through the completely degrading, uncomfortable, and clearly unnecessary task of getting laboratory-certified proof that my rectum was bleeding. This was the first in a series of unnecessary and humiliating circumstances that a little blood in the anus caused.

I was sent to the lab where I was given further instructions. I was given a brown paper bag. No problem. I was given a piece of paper. Everything still seems okay. I was given several 6 inch popsicle sticks. A little weird. Then came the instructions. I needed to collect three samples....of my dump. Not cool, but it got worse. The samples couldn't be from the same dump. The samples couldn't be from the beginning of the dump or the end of the dump. I was to collect them with the popsicle sticks and smear them on the piece of paper. I was to write the date of specimen collection next to each smear. And I was to save the poop smeared paper until I had collected all three. Oh yeah, and I couldn't collect the sample after it had touched the bowl.

So here I am doing a circus act in the bathroom. My craps had to be lengthy enough to have something to catch between the first and last squirt. It had to be soft enough to leave a deposit on the popsicle stick. And I had to aim carefully to get it on the stick with no splashback or dispersion onto my hands or the toilet seat. So imagine, if you a will, a poor Deuces Wild who had already known there was blood in his stool, doing a squat above the toilet with sticks in hand, trying to administer the excrement at the appropriate time and stabbing at them like Ralph Macchio with chop sticks. The worst thing was that a few deuces failed to produce a consistency that could be grabbed with the popsicle sticks in mid air. With two down and a paper smeared with brown, smelly crud, the third catch proved elusive. I broke down and had to violate one of the doctor's orders. I was either going to get a sample from the bowl or it was not going to be a specimen from the middle of one of my sessions. Having a roommate at the time, I didn't want to get a weird diagnosis by scraping the tainted dung. So I went for the remnants. I failed to catch a hearty deuce in midair. In haste, I did what no man should have to do. Before I wiped with toilet paper, I used the end of the popsicle stick to extract some "hanging chads" surrounding my anus. Triumphantly, I smeared them on the paper, wrote down the date and brought my work back to the lab. Now it was time to wait for them to tell me what I already knew.

One would think that this would be the lowest of the low. The darkest depths of despair that could ever be reached in a Bluddeanous Period. But no. It got worse. Not much worse. That wouldn't be possible. But worse it got indeed.

To be continued.....

8-14 to 8-17

Well folks, I took the wrong time to take a deuce diary hiatus. There were some bowel issues that I was just too busy to write about. So I'll do my best to create the knowledge from my fuzzy memory.

Probably had the regular breakfast.
Lunch: a delicious sandwich! Artichoke hearts with curry, curry mixed with mayo, turkey and gouda cheese on wheat bread. Yummy.
Dinner: Turkey burger with guacamole, low fat mayo, potentially expired feta cheese (cooked with the burger on the grill) and lettucce
After dinner: yogurt.
Stress: none. It was a beautiful day. Sat out on the balcony and relaxed with some beers. 4 beers to be exact. A Kolsch-style beer if that helps the sleuths out there.

The deuce story: a non-descript deuce that has eluded my memory.

Breakfast: barbara's oats cereal
Lunch: Turkey sandwich with lettuce, low-fat mayo, provolone cheese and guacamole.
Dinner: chicken stuffed with olives and feta cheese (not the expired kind). Pasta salad on the side.
After dinner: Dannon activia with fresh berries.

Stress: none

The deuce story: Now this deuce was memorable. Whether before breakfast or shortly after, I remember unleashing a fury upon the toilet. A massive deuce of perfect consistency was gently evacuated from my intestines. It was easy, although it left a horrible odor that persisted for nearly a half hour. I figured all was right with the world. No ill-effects of the curry or the potentially expired feta cheese. But that would not be the case. I decided to leave work early because it was a beautiful day. I was heading home when I felt as if my colon were a cannon that just got loaded. Out of nowhere, and without pain or warning, I came to the conclusion that I had a bomb in the hatch that needed to be released. There wasn't extreme urgency accompanying this feeling, but I would not dawdle on my way home.

When I did get home to give birth to this new child of mine, I went straight for my library. There I read the latest issue of People magazine and felt my anus get scorched by the curry concoction made in my stomach. This was not a comfortable experience.

breakfast: the usual
lunch: leftover turkey burger with reduced fat cream cheese, sprouts and guacamole.
dinner: at a football game, I chowed down some disgustingly dried out chicken fingers, french fries, a bbq pork sandwich and more french fries, and 5 bud light beers.

Stress: none
Exercise: 25 minutes aerobic after breakfast
The Deuce story: I remember feeling slightly uncomfortable, as if the deuce effects continued, but unfortunately I don't remember the specifics. I think I dropped it like its hot after exercising and it wasn't a comfortable spread. But again, the details of the day are vague.

Breakfast: wheat english muffin with american cheese, turkey bacon, and egg
Lunch: black beans with pork and rice.
Dinner: Grilled Portobello mushroom on wheat bread with reduced fat cream cheese, sprouts, and blue cheese. Leftover pasta salad on the side.

The deuce story: A big one. It came out smooth and easy. It also filled the bowl. But I finished this one with a little more discomfort than I began. It seemed smooth and easy. However, soon after, it felt as if a pole had been shoved up my butt. I don't know what that actually feels like, but this is how I would imagine that to feel. I had a little trouble walking or sitting. As the day progressed, though, I have returned back to normal. So that is good news.

Thursday, August 14, 2008


So, I have to admit, I am an idiot. I threw out one milk, but I had two jugs. The second one also has a September expiration date. I believed that this one also smelled spoiled, but I was convinced otherwise by someone else who smelled it. So I had a bowl of barbara's oats cereal with the questionable milk. Bad idea.

breakfast: two bowls of barbara's oats with questionable lactose free milk.
Lunch: Leftover stirfried vegetables
Dinner: Chicken; ginger flavored cooked carrots; some sort of salad with avacodo, corn, black beans, and jacima; vanilla ice cream with blueberries; and a cooked, spiced nectarine.
After dinner: Dannon Activia Yogurt

Stress: I drove the car today.
Dietary supplements: None
Exercise: 10 minutes aerobic and sit-ups

The deuce story: oh boy. The day started off with a bang. I had breakfast and then dispensed a quite comfortable, but bowl filling deuce. I was lighter on my feet and I though the day was going to be great. Then at 3:50pm, I felt some rumbles in my stomach. I let off some paint-peeling farts. Then I decided I should try going to the bathroom. When I went to the bathroom at 4:15, I sat down with ass-raping diarrhea. I couldn't get off the toilet for 15 minutes. Squirt, pause, squirt, cramps, pause, squirt. Argh! It was never ending. Then an hour later, I also fired off a few wet shots. Completing the deuce, I then had to drive in traffic. This is a known trigger! Miraculously, I survived a few uncomfortable moments in the car without incident. The three pills of pepto bismol had to help. After learning that I crap out lunch carrots the morning after, I think the diarrhea was either caused by the morning's bowl of cereal with potentially spoiled milk, or the day before's mushroom tetrazini made with spoiled milk. Any guesses?


Breakfast: started with a bowl of barbara's oats cereal with milk. But the milk tasted spoiled so I threw it all out and just had the barbara's oats dry. The expiration date was September 17th, so it made no sense.
Lunch: Turkey sandwich, farley's fruit snacks, almonds, and carrots
Dinner: Mushroom tetrazini made with the milk that I believed to be spoiled.
After dinner: Dannon Activia

Dietary supplements: the usual.
Exercise: 30 minute aerobic and weights
stress: i was a little concerned that the "spoiled milk" would cause trouble on the bus.

The deuce story: My stomach was jumping a bit on the bus, but no real problems. A small deuce was dropped before departing for work and after exercise.

Monday, August 11, 2008


Breakfast: cheerios
Lunch: the leftover indian food of butter chicken and rice.
After lunch snack: carrots and a banana
Dinner: the last of the ribs pulled off the bone and served on wheat bread.
After dinner: dannon activia with fresh rasberries

Exercise: 30 minutes aerobic before breakfast
Stress: a little deuce related stress that I'll explain in a moment
Dietary supplements: C, E, multivitamin and salmon oil pills

This is day 27 of the Dannon Activia Experiment. So far, I have the same general feeling that I had when I first started Align GI. My world has definitely improved. The only question is whether align gi had the same positive effect and then tailed off or if the improvement from constant deuce-asters to not-so-great was perceived the same way as the end of align experience to the beginning of the activia experiment. Not sure if that made sense, but the bottom line is, I feel better than I could ever remember, I have a bad memory, and that is why the deuce diaries got see if Dannon can save me.

The deuce story: I was in a rush to get to work so I couldn't wait for the deuce to come out before leaving. As soon as I left the door, I got nervous that the absence of my morning ritual would ruin my day. My stomach got a little cramped and uncomfortable with the thought of having to run off the bus to crap in the woods. But no crap happened. When I got to work, the deuce anxiety subsided and so did the deuce feeling. I was able to survive until after lunch before I decided to deposit two hard plops into the work bathroom. I am having a few cramps in the evening, but nothing unbearable.

Sunday, August 10, 2008


Breakfast: two bowls of cheerios with bananas
Lunch: Leftovers from yesterday's all-American meal! complete with the cake too. Heaven!
Dinner: two more ribs as an appetizer and stir-fried vegetables in a spicy peanut sauce
after dinner: dannon activia.

Exercise: none. I have been lazy.
Stress: none. I didn't even leave the home.
Dietary supplements: vitamin C, E, multivitamin and salmon pills

Dannon Activia Experiment continues.

The deuce story: I dropped a non-descript crap this morning after breakfast today. No fireworks from the influx of dairy.

Saturday, August 9, 2008


So I thought the Indian food was eaten without incident. But, I was clearly wrong. Last night as I went to bed I felt the red hot curry lava scorching the intestine as it flowed through my bowels, destroying everything in its path. An occasional gas explosion was followed by a burning movement of the curry chicken. I was awakened several times with screams for help from my innards. But there was nothing I could do. The curry wasn't ready to come out, it just wanted to torture me. Read on to see the shocking conclusion of the Indian food event.

Brunch: Homemade egg muffin. Cheese, fat-free cream cheese, turkey bacon and scrambled egg on wheat english muffin.
Dinner: An awesome dinner! Ribs, mac& cheese, 7-layer salad and oreo ice-cream cake for dessert. Let's see if I pay for that cake tomorrow.
Beer: 3 or 4 coronas with lime
midnight snack: Dannon Activia yogurt

Exercise: none
Dietary supplements: none
stress: the car issues that I'll discuss in a moment

The deuce stories: When I woke up this late morning (around 11), the pain of the curry had subsided. I felt a bit of a load ready to come out and I obliged at my earliest convenience. Surprisingly, there was no burning sensation or anything. Just a normal, good consistency deuce. I thought the day would go just find and I would survive the Indian food. But then I made a mistake. I drove. I guess the theory that driving makes me subconsciously nervous and consciously deucy has some merit. I had just an 8 minute car ride to the grocery store. Within the second minute, I felt the stomach problems. I played relaxing classical music. I counted backwards from 100, but there was nothing I could do to keep my mind off of it. I got to the grocery store and purchased what I needed. There was another stop I was going to make on my way home, but the feeling of the deuce made me rethink the plan. Instead I headed home, dropped off the groceries and dropped off a load. Now I would think that if it were entirely mental, my deuce may have been 'rrheal or small. But this was a legitimate dump. It was a semi-bowl filler. And it all came out in one fell swoop. So I don't know if it was the indian food, the car ride, or just a deuce that needed to come out. But again, I found myself changing my life because of the dump. Not cool. The good news is, the deuce was an accomplishment and I am probably a few pounds lighter.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Deuce Comments

The deuce diaries has become a phenomenon. Like a wet diarrhea, it has spread out, not just over a toilet bowl, but the world! That may be an exaggeration, but Deuce fans from 30 countries have tuned in to see the power of excrement. And this has created a problem. The fans of the Diaries have a right to be heard, yet blogspot hides their comments from everyone but the most astute and curious deuce diarrheader. So in this entry, I would like to highlight some of the comments that have made my day.

1. "J-dub" shared a personal deuce-aster story that rivals the El Jardin fiasco. I'll expand the brief comment into a full-fledge story. It was a cold winter night. Maybe not a cold winter night, but a night nonetheless. Unless J-dub is an alcoholic and the bar events occurred during the day. But either way, it was a experience out in a bar. Dressed to the nines, J-dub had an undershirt for sweat and odor protection, underneath his stylin black button-up shirt. With his hair gelled, J-dub was out on the prowl with one mission in mind: bring home a lucky (or unlucky) lady for a night of coital interaction. Having moderate success talking to the ladies, but not extreme success, J-dub had a frightful moment. Whether he accepted it or not, there was a beast inside his bowels that wanted to be let loose. Rather than battle it out and take the risk that this beast would soil his pants and his evening, J-dub did what many a man has regrettably done. He hurried to the den of disgustingness, the bar bathroom, to let loose the deuce. Whether he was too involved in his mission of getting skranky or he was desperately losing his battle to cage the bowel beast, he did not pay attention to one important detail...There was no toilet paper in the bathroom. So I have learned, that the Deuces Wild is not the only person to come across such a nightmare. But determined not to let a crap ruin his night, he came up with a plan. Did he use his underwear and then go commando? No. Did he take "matters" into his own hands? No. He rolled up his sleeves and got to work. He ripped off the sleeve of his oh-so-precious Calvin Klein white undershirt and cleaned his area. It was a moist deuce, so his work was not yet complete. He then ripped off the other sleeve and completed the business (that last part is an extrapolation from the brief comment). Now, with a sleeveless undershirt, he we unrolled his sleeves of his fancy overshirt and got back to the dance floor to continue on with his mission. And some lucky gal that evening must be thankful for a little ingenuity on J-dub's part that prevented a smell from lingering over their tryst.

2. From anonymous poster: "I understand what its like to have something in your body that you can't control. I can't help but pass gas when I'm nervous. I enjoy reading your blog it brightens my day, really. Hope you have a great day." To this poster, I say thank you. This is what keeps me going. Sharing the highs and the lows of this uncontrollable demon in my body. We are not alone.

3. From an anonymous e.mail, I have discovered a fan. Apparently, someone from stumbled across the Deuce Diaries and made a joke about it on their site's story about baseball injuries. I don't support all that bofads has to offer, but I like the reference. Whoever you are and however you found me, keep it up.

4. clphillips in reading about the bar bouncer who guarded my deuce, had a clever comment. A clever play on the word chaperon, he proclaimed the bouncer was my craperon. A great play on words from a great diarrheader.

5. Having to admit I am a little vain, I googled "the deuce diaries" to see what would come up. I have finally made it to the top! Yee-haw. The world likes to hear about dumps. But the weirdest find was that someone somehow correlated the discovery of the deuce diaries to the discovery that John Edwards cheated on his cancer-fighting wife with a really ugly woman Rielle Hunter.
I am honored that coming across the deuce diaries can have such a profound impact on someone's life.

So I encourage all of you to keep the comments coming. You too can have your name and story in lights.

Like the first deuce after a buffet, I have a lot more crap coming. You've still yet to hear about the popsicle sticks and the doctor's "fix" to the Bluddeanous Period. We have yet to get to the best story ever told: Mickey D's. And there are plenty more deuceasters in between. So buckle your seatbelts and prepare to enjoy the ride. And share the Diaries with your friends, post the link on your chatrooms, make jokes about it on your website. Whatever you have to do to make sure that the world knows it is okay to have deuce drama.


Today is the triple 8s. I bet a lot of people are getting married. And the Beijing Olympics are about to get underway. I care a lot less about the Olympics since they switched to an every two year format (alternating between Winter and Summer). When it was every four years, it was something special. I think NBC's lame coverage of the games also weakens the excitement for me. CBS always did a better job. But you are reading this blog to find out my opinion on sports, are you? You are here to read about the deuce.

Breakfast: two bowls of cheerios with lactose free milk
Lunch: Butter chicken from an Indian restaurant with basmati rice and naan (indian flatbread). It was delicious. And it will put my theory to the test.
Mid-day snack: chocolate granola bar
Dinner: I cooked a nasty meal. It was supposed to be cheesy mushroom pasta. But it was just gross. Fat-free cream cheese, fat free sour cream, fat free lactose free milk, one kraft american single, hot sauce and BBQ sauce. The fat-free cream cheese ruined it. Didn't taste good and it was too thick of a consistency. Perhaps more milk, more cheese or less fat free cream cheese next time.
After dinner: parmesan goldfish crackers.

Dannon Activia experiment continues. I am starting to lose track. I'll have to go back through the diaries at some point to give an updated count.

Exercise: None

Dietary Supplements: salmon pills, multi-vitamin, vitamin C and Vitamin E.

The duece story: I waited longer to start my day to make sure I got the deuce out. It was a normal deuce if not a bit on the small side. After the Indian food, I remembered that it makes me crap. That got my stomach jumping a touch. I don't know if it was the indian food or my nerves about the indian food that got it going. But no deuce followed. We'll see how it burns tomorrow.


The carrots made a reappearance this morning, but were more discrete this time. So it wasn't a one time occurrence. Other than that the day was normal.

Breakfast: cereal.
Lunch: chicken teriyaki with brown rice
Dinner: chopped salad (green onions, turkey bacon, egg, noodles, blue cheese, chicken, tomato, avocado and low fat honey mustard dressing)
after dinner: dannon activia with granola.

Dietary supplements: salmon pills, multi-vitamin, vitamin E and vitamin C

Exercise: 30 minutes aerobic after the dump.

The deuce story: The long compact log was released in the morning. As I said, there was carroty goodness in there. Then I had to make another deposit after lunch. I was a bit gassy at night, but nothing that would evacuate a room.

Thursday, August 7, 2008


I simultaneously learned two things this morning:
1. I digest food in less than 24 hours
2. Like corn, carrots can find their way into a dump.

After my standard breakfast of cheerios, I had stomach cramps. I decided to start off with a nice deuce. The first log was long, thick and smooth. Then came the less condensed crap. I got rid of quite a bit. When I checked to see what I had done, I noticed lots of orange carrot bits tucked into the lumps and floating in the water. I had never seen anything like it before. Is that normal, or is there something wrong with me?

Knowing that I digest food in less than 24 hours may help discover what triggers the deuceasters. Or it may just be an odd fact that noone wanted to know. Either way, let's get deucin':

breakfast: cheerios
lunch: leftover turkey taco meat with rice, beans, fat-free sour cream, and a bit of cheese. Carrots and a banana added to the healthiness of the lunch.
dinner: mushroom stuffed ravioli, beef sliders, french cheese on bread, walnuts, and two grapes.

After dinner: 3 glasses of red wine
Dannon Activia was less than appetizing after the wine.

exercise: 35 minutes aerobic after the dump.
stress: none

Dietary supplements: none.

The deuce story: The carrot infused dump in the morning set me straight for the day.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


Breakfast: two bowls of cheerios with lactose free milk
lunch: carrots and turkey sandwich with turkey bacon, lettuce and mayo. Chocolate granola bar for snack.
dinner: taco night! fat-free sour cream, quacamole, turkey taco meat, lettuce, tomato, rice with cilantro and refried beans.

Dietary supplements: the usual with vitamin c and E.

Stress: none

Exercise: None

The deuce story: A big one this morning after breakfast (and after stomach cramps).


Well, my little deuce-tectives, we finally have a mystery for you to solve. Yesterday, I felt some rumbles on the way to the airport to pick someone up. It seemed to me that the previous night's alcohol and the car ride were the culprit. Well today, was a problematic day without an obvious cause. Get to work!

Breakfast: cheerios
Lunch: the usual turkey sandwich with the dannon activia yogurt for lunch. Chocolate granola bar as a snack.
Dinner: This certainly didn't help my stomach troubles. It was a baseball game night. so there were 4 summer ale beers and 3 bud lights before during and after a stream of pizza, nachos, pita & hummos. the night ended with a street vendor's sausage with cream cheese (as gross as that sounds for many reasons, it was delicious!)

Stress: A little stress about trying to scalp tickets
Dietary supplements: I honestly don't remember.
Exercise: None

The deuce story. The morning started with a bang. A long painful deuce was dropped after breakfast. Then the stomach was a bit off all day. I had to drop some kids off at the work pool. Then before leaving for the game, I had to expunge two quarter sized nuggets of goodness. Then, on the way to the baseball game, I resorted to Pepto Bismol to save me from the stomach flips. After the trusty PB, I was good to go for the evening. But the day of three deuces and stomach cramps was something I would like to avoid in the future. Any guesses?

Sunday, August 3, 2008


At first, I felt no ill effects from yesterday's evening. A few cramps led to a big dump before the day even started. Then...

Breakfast: two bowls of cheerios
Lunch: Macaroni and cheese
Dinner: Burrito (with sour cream, refried beans, rice, cheese, guacamole, no meat)
After dinner: Dannon Activia

Stress: I was the passenger in a car ride to the airport. I felt nervous about the car-ride for whatever reason. Played classical music to relax the bowels.

Deuce story: The stomach kept flipping in the car, but no deuce emergency. When I got the airport (we were there to pick someone up), I chose to go in and drop my deuce rather than risk a painful, long journey home. In haste, my zipper popped open and broke. I then had to drive back with a guest and my baggage exposed. not cool.

Saturday, August 2, 2008


Brunch: eggs with turkey bacon and a slice of american chese on wheat.
after brunch snack: Dannon Activia Yogurt with granola
Dinner: hamburger with blue cheese and french fries and one chicken finger with bbq sauce
AFter dinner: pear martinis! Very manly and tasty.

Big mistake: after feeling sleepy, I decided to chug a zipfizz beverage. this is a energy drink powder that you add to water. Shortly after, I got on a bus. The semi-nervousness of transit and the caffeinated beverage had my stomach in a bit of lurch. After dinner, I had some explosive gas. But no deuce story, so I guess it wasn't as big of a mistake as I thought it was going to be.

Exercise: 20 minutes aerobics and then weights (after breakfast and deucing)
Stress: none

The deuce story: A nice deuce experience punished the bathroom. Smooth and semi-soft. No problems. Fortunately, the load drop-off occurred before exercising. The stomach discomfort later in the evening was taken care of with some air bombs.

Friday, August 1, 2008


The first of August brought another regular day.
Breakfast: cheerios
Lunch: Chicken Teriyaki with brown rice and a salad.
Afternoon snack: fat-free wheat pretzels and a granola bar
Dinner: a mixture of leftover pasta with a homemade sauce (week-old cottage cheese, cream cheese, Frank's hot sauce, BBQ sauce, Kraft American cheese single, Oatmeal, a touch of shredded cheese, and onions) and chicken. I realized the onions smelled awfully bad after I had put a few in the sauce. So if I fall ill, rotten onions would be a logical guess. I brought the sauce to a boil, so hopefully that killed any of the smell-causing agents.

After dinner: Activia Yogurt with shredded wheat
Dietary supplements: the usual plus a vitamin C because I am feeling a touch under the weather.
Exercise: 30 minutes aerobic and sit-ups before breakfast.
Stress: none

The deuce story: two smooth logs graced the bowl after breakfast.


This was a nondescript day. To be perfectly honest, I am writing it the day after and I have to push my brain to scour the memory banks to bring to you any of the details.

Breakfast: none
Lunch: the usual turkey sandwich (no tomato) with fat-free wheat pretzels, almonds, and two granola bars (I had to make up for skipping breakfast).
dinner: A chicken pasta dish
After dinner snack: Activia Yogurt

Exercise: None
Dietary supplements: the usual

The Deuce Story: Normal deuce in the morning. Some fierce farts at night