How to Enjoy the Deuce Diaries

Like a bad CSI episode, this blog will keep you guessing until the last minute. I will bring to you the past, present, and future of my bathroom emergencies. I encourage you to post your own stories, express your sympathies, or make suggestions to make my life better under the comments after any blog that moves you. If you are looking for the sheer entertainment of the truthful near-deuce (in pants) encounters, then read the "Deuce-aster stories." If you are looking to play the guess what's triggering the irritable bowel syndrome home game, read the "Daily Diet and Deuce Effects" posts which are labeled by date. In these posts, I will describe what I ate and what level of stress or nervousness I was dealing with. But like searching through a big dump after eating a few Chipotle burritos, you will find some kernels of goodness in these posts. This is because my life is a constant adventure. My stomach is like Mount Vesuvius, ready to explode at any moment and bring hell upon any day. Therefore, you just might find another entertaining story about the runs. And you may be Sherlock Holmes and find the way to stop this menace!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Historical Overview of the Deuce Era

By now you are probably wondering why I have decided to write an entire blog about my bowels. You are not alone. My father kindly asked me, "why would anyone want to read about the content of your dumps?" This is a valid question. One that only you can answer. But ever since the dawn of the deuce era, I have been controlled by ever-present threat of doom. Now, I am trying to take life into my own hands. I am trying to fix this long-standing problem. I am anxiously awaiting the dawn of a new era, a happier era...The Normal-Deuce Era.
Let me give you an overview of the Deuce Era:

The Mesopantsazoic period: The start of the Deuce Era began when I was around 17. A few close calls have penetrated my psyche to be memorable. Sadly, these were probably the happiest times of the Deuce Era.

The Bluddeanous Period: Here's where things took a turn for the worse. I began to realize that my deuce habits were not entirely normal. If you think the problems of the Mesopantsazoic Period were bad, wait until you read the solutions of the Bluddeanous Period. Not good. Comical, but not good at all.

The Crusteanous Period: This is the darkest time of the Deuce Era. The problems became epic in their frequency, destruction and embarrassment. Bad for me, but many stories for you.

The Align Period: The discovery of anal amoebas (a full story for another day) led me to this triumphant period. I was told to take an expensive pill called Align GI. This would beget some of the least traumatic times of the Deuce Era. It almost seemed that a dollar a day could keep the runs away. Life improved dramatically, but not enough to lift me from this dark era.

Which brings me to the present. We have left the Align period and have begun to take Activia. The diary as I begin down this path will help all of us chronic deucers discover if it truly works. There's hope, if only just a glimmer, that this will be the beginning of that legendary new era. But in the meantime, I have plenty of past stories to share. So whether you have disastrous deuces or just like to read about them, subscribe to the blog, sit back and enjoy. Its about to get even messier.
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