How to Enjoy the Deuce Diaries

Like a bad CSI episode, this blog will keep you guessing until the last minute. I will bring to you the past, present, and future of my bathroom emergencies. I encourage you to post your own stories, express your sympathies, or make suggestions to make my life better under the comments after any blog that moves you. If you are looking for the sheer entertainment of the truthful near-deuce (in pants) encounters, then read the "Deuce-aster stories." If you are looking to play the guess what's triggering the irritable bowel syndrome home game, read the "Daily Diet and Deuce Effects" posts which are labeled by date. In these posts, I will describe what I ate and what level of stress or nervousness I was dealing with. But like searching through a big dump after eating a few Chipotle burritos, you will find some kernels of goodness in these posts. This is because my life is a constant adventure. My stomach is like Mount Vesuvius, ready to explode at any moment and bring hell upon any day. Therefore, you just might find another entertaining story about the runs. And you may be Sherlock Holmes and find the way to stop this menace!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

7-24-08 (Search for Punishment)

I have to admit something quite bizarre about the deuce diaries. When I set forth to write these stories, I had just finished a string of bad issues. In the weekend before the first entry, I had to switch from driving at a stop sign so I could close my eyes in an effort to withhold the deuce. I then proceeded to race into a gas station with my zipper down (for quicker release) and headed for a disgusting bathroom. With no time to clean the seat and cover it with toilet paper (a silly ritual that I will criticize later), I had to do the hidden tiger, crouching dragon and pray that I didn't make a mess of the holy temple of deuce (or my pants for that matter). In another instance that weekend, I had just began a simple 20 minute drive when I had to take a detour to find a Deucery. I also had to crap in the nasty bathroom of an ice cream parlor and scarfed down 8 pepto bismol to avoid making a mess on a scenic bus ride. So after five deuces in three days, with two of them severely urgent, I clearly wasn't doing so well.
This is the point at which I decided to begin the Deuce Diaries. The only thing better than a good dump is a good dumping story. And believe me, I have lots of them. So I figured that I would have many more. But then something funny happened. This Dannon Activia really started working. And to be honest, I am getting quite bored of writing the same thing: "cheerios, lunch, exercise, normal deuce." And here is where it gets bizarre. I have come to miss the excitement and punishment that comes along with not knowing whether or not the next dump will be in a toilet. And so today, I took some real risks:
Breakfast: the usual cheerios
Lunch: Spicy Thai Food
Dinner: Indian food.
Dessert: Rice pudding with sweet milk. I know milk almost never fails to work its way through my system in ways that are considered unnatural. Somehow, I couldn't resist the free rice pudding that was put before me. Part of me knew the torture that I would endure as a result. And part of me wanted that torture so that I could share it with my readers.

After dinner snack: Dannon Activia with fresh blueberries

Exercise: 25 minutes aerobic and sit-ups before breakfast
Dietary supplements: same as always.

Day 9 of the Dannon Activia Experiment

The deuce story: Here's where it gets sad. A standard dump in the morning. And then after all of the indian food, spicy thai and sweetened milk in the rice pudding.....NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. Now, the spicy thai at lunch gave me a few rumbles, but nothing materialized and the discomfort was slight. I even got in a car after the milk and indian food, yet nothing happened at all. I love the dannon activia, but I feel like it has taken something from me. Something less than special, but that has been a part of me for many moons. That's right, I almost miss the deuce-drama. We'll see if this truly is the end of the Deuce-Era or just a brief interlude.

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