The morning started off right. I had to do some fantasy football drafting. Before I settled into the war room, I shed all of the alcohol, cookies and pizza from the night before. It was quick, it was quiet, and it was painless. But boy, was it extravagant. I thought that I wouldn't be able to crap again for days. But no. I was wrong. Another deuce was in store for me. I was about to make my draft pick (a reach for Calvin Johnson WR in round 3, for those who care), when an intended fart revealed a secret: there was more dump to give. So I urgently headed to the bathroom and shed some more weight. There wasn't a lot of girth to this excrement. It almost diarrheal, but not quite. It kind of burned, and was not pleasant. But I survived. I was left hoping that the day would not be another three deuce extravaganza like yesterday. But one never knows what is lurking in the bowels. I miraculously avoided a three-deuce day...by stretching into four deuce territory. Simply amazing. Shortly after I summarized my first two deuces in this very diary, I went to go shower. I felt the presence of more brown cream in my anus. I decided to relieve myself of this substance. I only dispensed two earthworm shape & size crap strips, but boy did it smell. The stink per square inch was off the charts. It even made me grossed out and I created it. I had to spray cologne before I got in the shower just to withstand the gag reflex.
Later in the day I went to see Tropic Thunder. Hilarious movie. Definitely a summer must-see. Near the end of the two hour film, I felt some tropic thunder myself. I required two pepto bismol to stay in the movie. I survived the film to see the climactic and laugh-out-loud ending. I then made a deposit to the local crap bank and felt much better.
Now let's get to the business of what created this marathon day of deuce.
Brunch: egg, ham, cheese, cream cheese on wheat english muffin
After brunch: peanut-butter paradise cake from Cold Stone Creamery. Chocolate cake, chocolate icing, chocolate ice cream with peanut butter swirls and peanut butter cups. Heaven!
Dinner: Fatburger!!!! The greatest burgers in the world. I say burgers plural because I had one and a half cheeseburgers with fried egg. Yum. But this isn't the cause of today's deuces because I had the four deuce drops before I even began dinner. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
After dinner: More cake!
Then celebrated with champagne and strawberries. Finished a whole bottle and felt quite a bit tipsy.
Dannon activia got lost within the whole celebration day. I popped an align before I went to bed.
How to Enjoy the Deuce Diaries
Like a bad CSI episode, this blog will keep you guessing until the last minute. I will bring to you the past, present, and future of my bathroom emergencies. I encourage you to post your own stories, express your sympathies, or make suggestions to make my life better under the comments after any blog that moves you. If you are looking for the sheer entertainment of the truthful near-deuce (in pants) encounters, then read the "Deuce-aster stories." If you are looking to play the guess what's triggering the irritable bowel syndrome home game, read the "Daily Diet and Deuce Effects" posts which are labeled by date. In these posts, I will describe what I ate and what level of stress or nervousness I was dealing with. But like searching through a big dump after eating a few Chipotle burritos, you will find some kernels of goodness in these posts. This is because my life is a constant adventure. My stomach is like Mount Vesuvius, ready to explode at any moment and bring hell upon any day. Therefore, you just might find another entertaining story about the runs. And you may be Sherlock Holmes and find the way to stop this menace!
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